I am afraid to grow up.

Are you?

I don’t really look at the sky anymore, and I can’t remember the last time I was on my hands and knees in the grass.

I remember the surge of excitement to see a green hill, because it meant rolling down while my mother called out to me about grass stains. I remember racing down a steep hill to the park that nestled at the bottom of it, going faster and faster as gravity whipped my legs downwards and forwards, and I don’t remember caring if I fell.

I remember hunting for foxes in the little thicket behind the swings; the very same thicket that I now look at and think of drug dealers. I remember lush greenery and the thick, fresh scent of earth flooding my nostrils. Loud rustling and muffled laughter as the orange trainers of my hunter, scuffed with mud, scraped past me just two inches away.

I remember the secret pathway between high holly bushes, and me whizzing though while flashes of our parents blinked at me through the foliage.

Making soup in the back garden with twigs and plastic buckets full of water and various plants.

Sliding down the stairs which, now, are a rusty hue and littered with stains, but were at the time colossal, curving roller coasters.

The sun setting over a huge paddling pool in the park, the silhouette of trees rising and falling with each mighty push of the swing. A cool breeze as we walked home after a long day of play, small fingers looped into the holes of hula hoop crisps, pretending we were royalty before biting them off our fingers.

I’m afraid to grow up because the immense joy of my childhood is slowly sliding off me, hanging on by tendrils as weak as a spider’s web.

But you know, I hear that adults can be children too. Cleverly disguised behind responsibilities and big words – but they can be children too.


4 thoughts on “I am afraid to grow up.

  1. This caused so many nostalgic feelings 😭 jabbing me right in the feels 💘 I remember distinctly so many memories based of your words and it felt both amazing and incredibly sad that it’s a thing of the past. I don’t want to grow up too! I’ve always being honest about the fact I’m the girl version of Peter Pan regardless of how I may age appearance and number wise. I refuse to grow up completely. I want to remain childish in so many things and it’s hard living in a world of adults who are constantly trying to make you one of them 😔 the reality is..there’s beauty in growing up. In learning and becoming more wise but forgetting and not trying to relive your childhood I personally think, is sad. Sorry about the long comment 🙈 there was just so many feelings that were triggered through this post ~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad this resonated with you, Sakina. Also, the girl version of Peter Pan, you worded my thoughts perfectly!! I really appreciated this long and thoughtful comment – and glad to have found somebody on par with my own thoughts on this matter! Thank you so much! Your comment made me smile 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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